My dream of getting my masters in neuropsychology will have to wait.

Psychology, my dear passion, please believe that we will still be spending valuable time together. It will just be on a more casual basis, with more flexibility to how I utilise your power.. I will complete you. 

I type these words with such confliction because although I'm massively disappointed in myself for putting my last module off a year..... And (and sadly, most probably the one I'm currently on because I'm almost 100% certain I'm either going to fail it or get such a bad level 4 pass - I won't want the points anyway- because it's going to negatively affect my final degree grade that much and once the points get banked, I'm pretty much stuck with it!!!

So I've cancelled my up and coming module with the open university.. Which could have been my last one... But this has to be done and although I am disappointed, I'm so relieved I finally made the decision. It had been a hard one to make the past 2 weeks.. And although I know someone very close to me is a little disappointed... I know that deep, deep down - it's the right choice to make. I truly believe that with everything that I am, my brain needs more time to recover. I've been deluding myself that I will have this sudden and drastic improvement in my cognitive abilities, that my scores will go back to what they were before- in the 80's, but they're not.  

(also I can't exactly afford the £9, 864 needed for the Msc that I want - so there isn't exactly a big rush to get this final level 3 done - nope..)

Also.... I'm struggling so unbelievably with the work load and the material we are learning at the moment is so complex. I do believe that back in 2016 when I first started to properly study psychology-i was a lot better at maintaining my focus and attention, that I was unstoppable. Since my breakdown 4 years ago, where after having a 22 hour drug induced delusion (or as a professional would say...' a drug-induced psychosis'.  I was detained by police at a community mental health hub, sectioned and spent a period of 4 weeks in a mental health hospital. Although I'm very conscious of the fact I needed that, I'm not sure I needed to be on the medication for as long as I was. The entire year afterwards that were lost to the hands of time because I was a zombie in bed 22 hours of the day. An entire year waisted because the high doses of antipsychotic medication that was being injected into my arse cheek every two weeks was needed to keep me 'well'.  Yeah mental health services- that wasn't well. Not being able to talk properly-only yes's and no's, not being able to text or write anything remotely legible, or not want to go anywhere near my children or keep myself clean- that isn't well, that's barely existing.  

But this post isn't about my periods of ill mental health-but its more explaining why I'm having to take a step back from my studies. My low scores and inability to stay focused is really starting to take its toll on me.

1st person is the only person :) 

The way I'm writing in my essays and reports is seriously holding me back. I need to some how obtain and maintain my more formal style of writing again. (I had somehow managed to utilise the ability to write academically during my first year of studying psychology and managed to maintain the awesome skill!) I mean for the first 3 years of studying this bubble of pure mind fuckery with the OU, not only had I taught myself how to write in a boring and formal way after a year of continuously perfecting the skill, but I somehow managed to keep my journalistic, beautifully and descriptive informal style - and could switch pretty quickly between the two....

I can even recall one summer while I was sitting on a beach watching my two young boys playing in the sand by my feet, this one moment that I was writing pages of notes from my textbook regarding the differences of the biomedical and behavioural perspectives in psychology, then somehow 20 minutes later finish writing a short erotica piece on my blog... And then continue with my academic notes. when I had this ability, it all felt so easy... Like I just consciously flipped this switch in my head and I could switch between the two writing styles... But since my breakdown - I've still not managed to get it back properly. And truth be told, my general writing style itself hasn't fully returned. Although I'm very mindful of the fact that I've been struggling so badly to get back, I'm also very conscious that the more I practice, the more I'll improve. I have total faith in my brain's Neuroplasticity. 

Also referred to as neural plasticity, or brain plasticity. It's basically the ability of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganization. These changes range from individual neuron pathways making new connections, to systematic adjustments like cortical remapping. What ever i do, in every continuous moment, i am training my brain to become better at it. I'm not entirely sure Psychology at the moment is the best thing my brain needs to be learning.

Having the ability to absorb psychological knowledge into your own subconscious, but then somehow not allow it project outwards onto your reality through your own behaviour is a skill that needs more recognition. 

This coming year, i can take a course in Construction, try and finish some real stories on here. 

I'm going to see if learning a subject that is black and white, that isn't deemed to be subjective whatsoever, that I can't loose marks on because who ever is marking it its offended by my views and opinion.. (even though its been clearly backed up by theories and research which clearly suggests its viability) 

I can practice both writing styles. Try and get my head around the mind field that is statistics, finish my si-fi book that I started to write almost a decade ago. Maybe, just maybe-as time goes on and continues to tick on by without any input from any of us, my brain chemistry will continue to recover and I'll be able to finish my degree.