Suppressed or made to feel bad undressed?

Surely as an society - we are strong enough to not be suppressed. But it seems so prevalent that instead so many cannot even recognise the mere fact that we are. We've been brainwashed over generations and generations that our bodies are mere vessels that are to be used to procreate & to be used as a form of attachment. Pleasure it seems is seen as bad, as a form of trauma, or to enjoy our bodies for pleasure - it's seen as a possible result of trauma. Yet our bodies are capable of so much more pleasure - if we explore and allow it. 

We've all been so used to just do as we're told, to just accept anything and everything...that we couldn't question something - even if it the falselity of it was staring us straight in the faces. The fear of being different to other 35 people around us creates a fear of rejection, a fear to not want to stand out. I decided very early on - that I wanted to remain like my peers but also wanted to break free... The continual duel confliction of wanting to be my true self V wanting to remain what others surrounding me wanting me to be played havoc on my mental well being for the entirety of my teen years.. .. Well the most of them anyway. 

Ever since I was younger, from as furest back as I can remember, I was always deemed so different to everyone around me. I was always looking around myself- questing stuff that I was observing. I always felt I stood out - or at lease my responses to certain things was a lot different to others anyway. 

"Whys it like that? How come they do that? Why are people so mean to others behind their back, yet so lovely to them face to face.? 

Why did my Dad change in front of different people. Why didn't my nan like her feet being recorded? And my Dad would always continuously joke about it in front of the family..we all did..including my nan..but why? The questions were always circling around my head..

As I grew up and slowly became more and more Self aware - in my own mind....i started to realise that I needed more. The combination of struggling with my mind due to my whole family turning their backs on me..to realising that the world was beautiful, but the majority of the people within were not. Started to make me feel alone..and very lost. The compounds of my mind were always screaming at me..' Why am I here? What's it all about? It's always now? Why is it always now? And how comes none of my cousins or my brother asking similar questions? 

The almost unbearable fear I felt while growing up was when it came to thinking of death. It didn't help that whenever I asked my friends and family what they believed - the answers they gave were not actually answers.. But just information and belief systems that they were taught.....

Some of them seemed to delude them self's into thinking they had resolved my fear... For the few years I couldn't speak - it was most probably easier on my family but after the 2 years of private speech therapy - I somehow mastered the impossible task of talking after 5 year's of not being able too. 

But all of a sudden I realised that maybe it would have been better for my family and the entire world if I hadn't. At times my mum & dad's jokes of 'well now she won't shut up'... Would make me laugh but deep down I was devopling huge unsacurities... And somehow unconsciously driving them down.. Driven down by my massive ego - to never be desturbed again.. ((of so I thought)) 

(Of course I don't believe that I should shut up now.. I love talking and expressing my emotions and explaining stuff and my experiences..) 

I was always wanting to be naked and although my family always pecieved me as being strange and over sexualized... And a massive embarrassment, I realised very early on that it was down to their own stupid triggers. Their very up bringing themselves had been strict.. And although I never turned around and said.. 'it's just a body, don't you think your being a little silly', I never once did. I just did my best to change, so they felt better and didn't react so harshly to my very being. 

I mean we both know this because of the podcast and my ability to stop a whole room of people with my passionate banta. Although one would believe that I'm proud of what I'm next going to be write because of the simple fact that I'm telling it but being frown out of a 8 way orgie one Saturday night at Ureka because I wouldn't shut up is a fine example of just how much I love my own voice. I've always been the one to enjoy my own words. Mainly because it was so long I couldn't experience speaking them

(i couldn't witness my voice) therefor making up for loss time, I feel was needed. 

Swearing 

My own family were so different from me and here is an example which in my eyes is bordering upon being a perfect one. Swearing itself seemed to be very triggering to certain members within my close family and also my extended one.. My nan for example would never like any swear words - and my habit of picking my noise around her (or the ability to stop it) became my first known ability to use CBT... (you see I believe I was doing it way before I had even stumbled across the subject of it when I first began the journey of learning about psychology.. 

And to give a perfect example of just how triggered my family would get by a single word. I once explained the origins of the word 'Cunt'. The explosive reaction from my nan, my mum and I do believe 2 of my cousins and a friend of theirs was so over the top - I'm pretty sure I realised in that moment, that it was time to move on in regards to them. They were too far gone, it was too late to try and explain, or to enlighten them. They always looked at me differently but I know realise it wasn't because I was bad or I was in the wrong.. It was because I made them feel uncomfortable in themselves.. I threatened all of their core beliefs regarding sex and society, and no matter how much I tried - they would need to wake up on their own accord. 

The following piece is not my own words but taken from a Facebook post... 

—---------—----------—

CUNT

Considered to be the most vile, obscene and vulgar ‘swear word’ in the English language; this word ‘Cunt’ in the vernacular means Vagina. Before it was twisted by patriarchy, the word was originally a term of respect and reverence for a powerful, spiritually enlightened woman . 

`Cunt’ derives from ‘Kunda’ or ‘Cunti’, a Great Goddess of the Orient, symbolizing the Yoni ( Vagina ) of the universe, where all life came from and where all life returns for renewal .

From this same name the words 

Country, Kin and Kind are derived. 

--—----———————

Not completely finished - but more to be added.